How to Deal with Anger
Understanding It, Sitting with It, and Responding Without Harm
We all get angry.
Some people shout. Some go silent. Some feel the heat in their chest and try to hold it in. Others speak in the moment and regret it later. Anger doesn’t always look the same, but it is a part of being human. And pretending it doesn’t exist only makes it harder to deal with.
The real question is not how to get rid of anger. It is how to understand it, manage it, and express it in a way that protects your peace and your relationships.
Anger Is Not Always the Problem
In psychology, anger is considered a secondary emotion. That means it often comes in response to something deeper, like shame, fear, disappointment, or hurt. You may not realize it, but when your mind feels threatened, your body steps in to defend you. According to the American Psychological Association, anger is a normal reaction to perceived injustice or harm. It gives the body a rush of energy to respond.
But when that energy is not handled in a healthy way, it can cause damage. Uncontrolled anger is linked to high stress, health issues, damaged relationships, and regret. It becomes especially harmful when it is ignored, suppressed, or turned into aggression.
Still, anger itself is not sinful or shameful. It is a signal that something matters to you. The goal is not to erase it. The goal is to understand what it is trying to say.
Islam Teaches Us to Channel, Not Suppress, Anger
The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ experienced anger. He felt it when others were mistreated, when justice was ignored, or when people harmed one another. But his anger never came from ego, and he never used it to hurt anyone.
He controlled his tongue. He changed his posture. He stepped away and made wudu. These were not just actions. They were habits of self-regulation.
He ﷺ said:
"The strong is not the one who can overpower others. Rather, the strong is the one who controls himself when he is angry."
(Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6114)
He also said:
"If one of you becomes angry while standing, let him sit down. If the anger leaves him, good. If not, let him lie down."
(Sunan Abi Dawood, Hadith 4782)
In the Qur’an, Allah praises those who restrain their anger and choose mercy:
الَّذِينَ يُنفِقُونَ فِي السَّرَّاءِ وَالضَّرَّاءِ وَالْكَاظِمِينَ الْغَيْظَ وَالْعَافِينَ عَنِ النَّاسِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ يُحِبُّ الْمُحْسِنِينَ
Those who spend in ease and in hardship, and who restrain their anger and pardon others. And Allah loves the doers of good.
(Surah Aal-Imran 3:134)
This is not a call to ignore anger. It is a reminder that strength lives in the space between feeling and reacting.
What Anger Might Be Trying to Tell You
Often, anger is not about the surface moment. It is about something deeper. You might feel disrespected, unappreciated, dismissed, or overwhelmed. You might feel like your limits are being crossed or your needs ignored.
When anger shows up, ask yourself:
What emotion came before this one?
What part of me felt unseen or hurt?
What am I trying to protect right now?
Learning to pause and reflect gives you a better chance of responding instead of reacting. This is not about excusing harmful behavior. It is about understanding where the emotion is coming from.
What You Can Do In the Moment
Anger affects your nervous system. It raises your heart rate, tenses your muscles, and narrows your focus. These physical changes make it harder to think clearly or speak gently.
Here are ways to calm the body before responding:
Take a break from the conversation.
Breathe deeply through the nose and exhale slowly.
Place your hand over your chest to ground yourself.
Do wudu slowly and mindfully.
Recite a verse or du’a that brings ease.
Delay your response until the emotion softens.
You are not ignoring the anger. You are giving yourself time to hold it with clarity.
What to Reflect On Afterward
After the wave of anger passes, reflect with gentleness. Guilt can be useful if it leads to growth, not shame.
Ask yourself:
What was I reacting to?
Was I speaking from pain or from clarity?
Is there someone I need to apologize to or repair with?
Did this anger remind me of something deeper in my past?
Sometimes, anger is about now. Sometimes, it is about years ago. Recognizing the difference helps us break old cycles.
When You Feel Like You’re at the Edge
Anger can feel isolating. Like you are too much. Like no one understands.
But the Qur’an reminds us that even in the most overwhelming moments, we are never alone:
يَا بَنِيَّ اذْهَبُوا فَتَحَسَّسُوا مِن يُوسُفَ وَأَخِيهِ وَلَا تَيْأَسُوا مِن رَّوْحِ اللَّهِ ۖ إِنَّهُ لَا يَيْأَسُ مِن رَّوْحِ اللَّهِ إِلَّا الْقَوْمُ الْكَافِرُونَ
O my sons, go and search for Yusuf and his brother, and do not despair of relief from Allah. Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people.
(Surah Yusuf 12:87)
This verse is not only about hope in hardship. It is also about trusting that your emotions do not make you weak. That you are still worthy of mercy, even when your feelings are heavy.
References
American Psychological Association. (2023). Anger. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/anger
Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT® Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Van der Kolk, B. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
Sahih al-Bukhari, Hadith 6114
Sunan Abi Dawood, Hadith 4782
Qur’an: Surah Aal-Imran 3:134
Qur’an: Surah Yusuf 12:87